4 Jan 2018

The history is making circle. Small circle. And my second circle.

We went for a great holidays in Sicily, which my husband booked when I was curling in tears on our sofa trying to find myself in new reality. Holidays. Two weeks which would be like a gate of Eden ended painfully in same reality where I would had to leave my baby. Nothing was making any difference. I was missing my girl when she was few months old, I was missing myself as very confident few months old mum. Days were gone. I tought I needed time, understanding, warm arm, a hug. I had all of them. And suddenly we stood on Sicilian ground. It was midnight. 30 degrees comparing to 12 in September make a huge difference. We have been eating pizza on airport and totally unexpectively I was hit by all flavours and smells. Ripe tomatoes, mozzarella, crust, aircraft fuel, flowers, sweat, our breaths. In one second I felt I was real me again. That was heaven and I started to be very affraid we will be gone so soon.

We stayed in small hotel in a middle of orange orchard. Rented a car and traveled across island. We were buying kilos of tomatoes as Z. wanted to eat only those. Spending evenings with view of Etna and each others. Hugging, drinking cheap wine, visiting nearly all God Father’s destinations and making love as often as we were just engaged. My deppresion passed away. On one Sicilian morning I said enough and promised to myself to accept all of that which my life brings. All ups and downs. That is who I am. With lack of self confidence and big heart.

I felt so good. Sun was welcoming us every morning above our heads and table with breakfast. We were enjoying dark roast Italian espresso and eating tons of canoli. Z. was splashing in pool, crawling on warm stones of pavement and traveled all the time on my knees as in car seat was too hot. I supposed to feel bad parent, but all that freedom, sun, water, heat, real tasty food and amazingly nice people was my big excuse. I actually felt great mum, great wife and great me. Nothing more.

When the time was gone and we had to say goodbye to Italian island we landed in rainy 10 degrees Ireland. We set up fire and enjoyed very late cup of tea. But that was not all. We brought thousand photos, memories, smiles, but over all we just came back as a family of four.

And we did not have a clue!

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