5 Apr 2017

I look at mish-mash on my instagram. That is how my life looks like recently. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. In one second blossom trees, another heavy rain, warm smell of cake, sip of coffee, quiet babbling of her, run over morning, routine in evening singing... Just wondered why I did not write for so long. Maybe the reason was I greedy wanted to keep  our moments just for ourselves. I scroll thousand beautiful pictures and tap hearts. One by one, one by one. I check offer of another baby shop and watch how quickly all those beautiful tiny clothes are too small for her. I make a plan of sewing a hat. Checking patterns and then I ask myself "when?". I think so often about coming back to work. And I cry. I am devastated. I am furious about the world, which shouted at me about attachment parenting, skin to skin, co-sleeping, baby wearing, baby massage, mum and baby yoga, feeding on demand and now the very same world after 6 months tells me I am needed somewhere else. What a bullshit! Why oh why I have to leave her? Making in my head scenario of the day zero when morning routine will be a luxury, when I will wave my hand and leave her for time which will be for me like eternity. I cried when my mum brought me for the very first time to creche and I will cry when I will leave my daughter. I feel weak and unprepared. Like teared in half. I am like a fool.
Forgive my tone. Just cannot say anything else tonight.

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