22 Nov 2016

My body has changed. I did not mind it when my bump was bigger and bigger week by week during pregnancy. I waited first for nausea, then for bubbly-feeling movement, cravings, wormy wave, kick which could be seen outside, first hiccup, first stretched mark... Recently there is so many women who will tell you that motherhood is not easy. Hormones make you different person, someone stuffed your tummy and then left, trampled your vagina and pulled breasts. Your brain is a wreckage during baby blues.
So I had to go through so many of this experiences and impressions when I wanted to find any valuable article about firsts weeks of being a mum. And I am sorry for all women who feel like that. It must be horrible. The thing which terrifies me even more is those women do not have anyone to talk about. World is as it is and does not care if you feel bad. Even there is so much pressure recently to show everyone that motherhood is not a fairytale. I would go further and I will say it very simple. Motherhood is like a life. You expect prince on white horse and even if he comes onto, hooves are dirty, full of mud and back is dusty. Same with motherhood. First smiles come, but apart of those there is plenty of yellowish nappies, cheesy-milky stains everywhere, lack of sleep and house full of scream no-one-knows-why. And I am saying: life is good. As far as you are able to believe and manage that. Often not by yourself as we live in a herd. Just... ask for help and let it go.
Everything will change. And my first thoughts were not regretting my previous life, were rather just  a question: "how we lived before?". I do not know.
I have stretched marks. Not even one appeared during pregnancy, but in few days when my baby was born. On tummy, thighs and breasts. And you know what? I think is normal. How could I produce new skin during those nine months? My body grew a new human so I assume it just forgot about few inches of skin here and there. Is it a catastrophe? Nope. Am I attractive? Well ask my husband, his opinion interest me the most. But I feel beautiful. I feel like a women. Not anymore a girl.
I have huge breasts. I breastfeed so they are full of milk and will change for sure in the future again and again. They are tempting for my hungry eater. And they are like miracles producing food, safe cushions for day naps and they are starring confidently on men passing by me. I always dreamed about bigger breasts and when they changed over two sizes I am thankful I was rather small sized complainer before.
I have scars on my vagina. Like in every natural birth pushing baby out was not without consequences. Episiotomy in Ireland is rare procedure and is implemented once advised by midwife. Also they do not do stitches which I know from Poland - separated, every single tide up near to skin. Instead it is a one string threaded over skin like a lace. They dissolved after a week and left small painless scar.
I was bleeding for six weeks. After nine months without period it is still a win! And honestly it was not bothering so much as I did not have obviously period cramps. When I fed, from time to time, I felt few contractions as uterus was shrinking to normal size.
My acne is back. I was pimple-free for nine months. God! Perfect skin! And now I am without pattern regulated by my cycle. But honestly it is not so bad as it was before pregnancy! And when I see anything popping on my face I use the most natural and cheap remedy: breast milk. Nothing ever worked so effectively!
I can walk fast again, I see my toes, lost over 10 kilos without any special diet, I eat donuts again, can polish my feet nails without a trouble, shave lower parts and seeing what I am doing. I can sleep during a day as much as I want, go to bed early and after opening my eyes see little smily face, which is waiting for hug, familiar smell, sip of freshest babycino ever. Lucky me I found benefits of mum's life, lucky I can talk about my fears in reality, lucky I have someone who noticed the woman.

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